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Anna is a certified life transformation and relationship coach with an in-depth focus on positive psychology and transactional analysis. Using her 3+ years of experience, she helps her clients understand the essence of the problem, build self-esteem, establish healthy relationships, find harmony, and manifest their dreams into reality.
My husband loves another woman and me. It’s sad, cruel, and unbearably painful for almost any woman to admit. Whether it’s just a feeling or his affair includes physical adultery, such a betrayal can be a strong blow to self-esteem and destroy trust.
But the most confusing thing is what to do once you know your husband has feelings for another woman but, at the same time, he wants to stay with you.
It’s impossible to give clear instructions on how to act. However, understanding all aspects of the issue may help you find the right solution for yourself.
In this article, we’ll look at the situation when your husband loves you and another woman from all possible sides.
So keep reading to get some interesting facts and helpful tips.
The traditional definition of infidelity doesn’t imply ambiguity. It’s sexual intercourse between a married person and another person outside marriage. Emotional cheating is a form of infidelity based on emotional intimacy, not necessarily physical.
Many of those who cheat emotionally don’t perceive it as cheating since they’ve had no sex with another person.
But no matter how the “emotional lovers” downplay the situation, this kind of connection brings them so close that it inevitably damages the existing marital relationship.
The topics discussed become more personal, turning innocent communication with a friend or a colleague into a natural bond.
Lack of physical contact doesn’t make emotional cheating less harmful, especially for women.
The International Academy for Sex Research journal recently published research covering this topic, “Upset Over Sexual versus Emotional Infidelity Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Adults.”
David A. Frederick from Chapman University and Melissa Fales from the University of California at Los Angeles asked the participants which of the situations would be the most tragic for them:
or
The results showed that heterosexual men were more likely to get upset about sexual infidelity than heterosexual women (54% versus 35%) and less likely to get upset about an emotional affair (46% versus 65%).
Typically, the reasons for emotional infidelity are the same as for physical ones. For example, one person may lack something in the relationship, or they may not think about their partner’s feelings, or for some reason, they have developed a pattern to seek solace on the side every time they are bored or stressed.
The desire for intimacy with someone else arises when one is unsure about the current relationship or feels lonely, even with someone they love. It often happens in couples where one of the partners doesn’t trust their significant other and can’t fully open up to be themselves.
If a person wasn’t honest with their partner from the very first day and adjusted to their interests only, ignoring theirs, sooner or later, they will start looking for another release for their emotions.
Recent studies state that married men are more likely to cheat. For example, according to a General Social Survey, 20% of men and 13% of women said they had sex outside their marriage.
Although physical infidelity doesn’t necessarily mean that a man loves his sex partner, it can speak of emotional attachment and interest in this person.
Another question to ask is how many people tell their spouses the truth about any type of cheating.
Health Testing Centers surveyed 441 people who confirmed infidelity with their partners. Results showed that:
Being honest in a relationship is indicative of a high level of morality, although the betrayal itself is considered an immoral act. However, it doesn’t mean there will be no consequences.
According to the same research:
Although such statistics are rather sad, each couple has a chance to be among that 15.6% who stayed together and managed to build trust and start a new relationship with each other.
Every situation and family is unique. Each man has his character and his attitude towards life, values, etc. But when it comes to a married man falling in love, they may behave the same way in most cases.
Psychologists say that married men can demonstrate love in an open and closed form. Each of them has its warning signs.
So if you are wondering how to tell if your husband is in love with another woman, let’s take a closer look at each of them.
The open form implies that the wife knows about the other woman’s existence or suspects her husband of cheating. However, this form is quite rare because husbands, for various reasons, try to hide their feelings for other women.
You can recognize open love by the following signs:
Your husband doesn’t hide his interaction with the other woman.
In such a situation, a married man doesn’t try to hide his feelings. For example, let’s say she is a work colleague. Then, when discussing business, he may talk a lot about his “co-worker” and how good she is in everything she does.
Your husband regularly gives another woman a ride or meets with her in a cafe.
Have you ever called your husband and heard a woman’s voice in the background? If yes, that’s absolutely normal.
However, it ceases to be normal if you find him with the same woman over and over again. If he constantly spends time with her, drives her home, takes her to a cafe, a movie, etc., - it’s a bad sign.
Of course, they can do it all as friends. But if your husband never asks you to join them or puts her interests above yours, give yourself a pause to think about your marriage.
Your husband is constantly texting with another woman.
If your spouse is constantly on the phone checking messages, you may think he is waiting for her to text him. It may signal that he has feelings for her. Soon this interest, infatuation, and sympathy may turn into love.
Your husband prefers to spend time outside your marriage.
You can invite him to go to the movies or organize a romantic candlelight evening, but he always has excuses to meet that other woman.
Your husband finds a reason to touch the alleged other.
If you think your husband has fallen in love with someone you know, pay attention if he finds a reason to touch her. It could be a hug, or he could take her hand or adjust her hair.
If it happens too often or you notice that he does it very tenderly, it may be an unmistakable sign that your husband has feelings for her.
Usually, if the husband is in love with another woman, he tries to hide it. Some don’t want to hurt their wife’s feelings; others keep everything secret because of the adrenaline. The reasons may be different and individual for each specific case.
You can recognize the closed form of a husband’s love for another woman by the following signs. They may not always signal that he is having an affair, but they definitely signal marriage issues.
Your husband doesn’t care about you anymore.
Your husband isn’t interested in your life and doesn’t invite you into his own. He has become indifferent and stopped talking to you. His mood changes when he interacts with you, and when you comment or ask something, it annoys him.
Your husband doesn’t want to have sex with you.
When a married man dates another woman, there is often a lull in his sex life with his wife. At first, he may simply say that he is tired from work or feeling bad. But gradually, sex fades into the background, and the husband may openly express his unwillingness to have physical intimacy with his wife.
Your husband hides his communication.
Your husband may hide his cell phone, put passwords on the computer, etc. In addition, married men sometimes rename contacts to hide the other woman’s phone number.
Your husband loses his enthusiasm when you are together.
If it seems that he isn’t happy to be around you, it may be because he subconsciously wants to be in a different place and with another woman. It’s hard to pretend that you enjoy being with someone when you are thinking about someone else. And you can’t pretend all the time.
Your husband stopped telling you everything.
If a married man no longer shares his thoughts with his wife and doesn’t want to talk about anything serious, it may be because he is discussing it with the other woman. If earlier you were very open with each other, and now he is shutting himself off from you, there must be a reason.
This question often torments wives whose husbands have found love on the side. The husband suffers because he can’t be with a loved one and makes his wife suffer because she lives with a man in love with another woman.
How do you understand the logic of a husband loving another woman but continuing to live with his wife? The reasons may vary, but the most popular ones are the following:
A cheating man can be a loving father. He may feel his responsibility, especially if the family has minor children, or be afraid of being condemned if spouses have grown-up children. The image of an exemplary father is a great way to cover up your weakness and fear.
In this case, the married man is afraid of losing the respect and love of friends and relatives, who will almost certainly take the side of the deceived wife.
It is not easy for a man to change his habits and lifestyle. It’s very convenient to get passion on the side and clean clothes, favorite foods, and comfortable slippers at home. Changing something in your life is challenging.
In the case of divorce, the marital property should be divided equally or equitably, depending on local laws. If spouses have many assets acquired together and the husband has something to lose, he can hide his affair to the end.
A man may not be sure that a new relationship is true love and therefore doesn’t want to lose the stability that he already has.
What if you find out that your husband is in a relationship with another woman? What if, at the same time, he wants to stay with you? It’s a tough situation, and the easiest and worst thing is to have a fight.
The only problem is that people often don’t understand that they should not fight against each other if they want to fix everything. Instead, they should be one team fighting together for their happiness no matter what stops them.
To understand if you see yourself as a happy woman next to your husband, you need to analyze your feelings and talk to your spouse.
It will be complicated and stressful, but you need to stay calm. It is the only way to understand whether you are ready to forgive your husband and continue this relationship.
Remember, if your husband tells you he loves the other woman but doesn’t want to leave the family, he is most likely ready to give up his feelings for that woman and devote himself entirely to building a new relationship with you.
And it is the first step towards the restoration of your marriage.
If you too want to take a step towards a new joint future, the following 7 tips can help you with this.
The first thing any good relationship starts with is a conversation. It helps to rebuild your family and renew trust. Yes, it will take a long time, but you won’t achieve anything without talking to each other.
Talk to your husband and try to figure out the possible reasons for this situation. Try to do it calmly, even if it is difficult. Then, share your vision of your family’s future and try to develop a plan of action.
Build your communication based on respect and understanding. It is the foundation of your new marriage.
If you can’t discuss all marriage problems that concern you on your own, or if you can’t control your emotions, it is better to visit a professional.
Psychologists, marriage counselors, coaches, and other professionals can help you understand yourself and exactly what you want, whether it’s keeping your family together or ending the relationship. Moreover, they can suggest the therapy that suits your particular case.
If this other woman stays in your husband’s life, she will stay in your life, causing so much pain for both of you. In this case, the restoration of your marriage is doomed to failure.
Explain to your husband that he must stop any contact with that woman. If he continues to see her, everyone will suffer.
If she is a colleague, he may apply to transition to another office. If she is a friend, he should exclude her from his friend list.
You should completely exclude the other woman from your life and your husband’s life. Try not to talk about her.
Both of you should focus on what matters most - your family.
Instead of discussing why your husband’s relationship with the other woman was so special, you need to figure out when the crack started in your marriage.
Remember, their relationship is over. So now your task is to restore the connection you had.
Go to the gym, do yoga, get a new hairstyle, update your wardrobe, find hobbies outside the family to get out of the house more often, and work on self-development.
Changing yourself is a long way to go. However, it is necessary. Only by changing herself can a woman change the reality around her.
If you decide to stay together only to play the “You had an affair with another woman” card at the right time and say other hurtful things to blame him for what happened, should you stay together at all?
If you choose to forgive, it should be sincere. Try to be delicate and discreet. Your husband most likely feels guilty. Constant reproaches won’t help you build a new and happy life from scratch.
Now your task is to build a new relationship with your husband. Yes, it may not be easy because trust does not appear overnight. However, if you and your spouse truly want to resurrect your marriage, nothing is impossible.
Spend time together. Try new activities, visit new places, leave your comfort zone. It’s what will help you get new experiences and create new happy memories.
In a situation where your husband loves another woman but wants to stay with you, you need to understand that it is what he wants. To rebuild a relationship, two must want to be together.
So think about what you want!
Try to put aside fear, push resentment aside, and imagine your own life without your husband.
Think about these questions:
Only you can truthfully answer them to understand how to act: try to restore the relationship or end it. But, no matter what you decide, the decision you make must be right for you, because your happiness depends on it.
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