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Anna is a certified life transformation and relationship coach with an in-depth focus on positive psychology and transactional analysis. Using her 3+ years of experience, she helps her clients understand the essence of the problem, build self-esteem, establish healthy relationships, find harmony, and manifest their dreams into reality.
When partners force each other to do something in a relationship, they should stop and think about whether they need such a relationship at all. Can their union be called healthy?
If you plan on leaving your husband and wondering how to make him divorce you, it is better to shift the focus from “making him” to “convincing him.”
Remember, forcing someone to do something doesn’t always lead to the desired result. And if it does, ask yourself if the end justifies the means.
In this post, we’ll explore some critical issues like healthy relationships and warning signs of divorce. What’s more, we’ll touch on how to tell your husband you want a divorce when he doesn’t and focus on possible divorce objections.
Following these insights, you’ll be able to use relevant arguments to convince your husband to agree to a divorce.
Plus, you’ll learn three important things to do if your husband doesn’t want to get divorced.
A healthy marriage makes every party feel comfortable. Such a relationship is built on mutual respect, trust, attention, love, honesty, and willingness to accept partners as they are.
The article, What Is “Healthy Marriage”? Defining the Concept, authored by Kristin Anderson Moore, Suzanne Jekielek, and Jacinta Bronte-Tinkew, states several essential characteristics of a healthy marriage.
A relationship can turn unhealthy when at least one side becomes uncomfortable, and the problem is not solved. Moreover, creating a healthy relationship won’t work if you or your partner don’t want it or have unresolved internal conflicts.
At different stages of marital life, spouses may face problems related to some of the points described in the previous section. However, it doesn’t always mean that a relationship is doomed to end.
Sometimes, spouses can solve their problems simply by sitting and talking. However, this “simply” involves some challenging steps.
Spouses need to analyze the situation, collect their thoughts, and prepare for the conversation. In addition, each side should have a chance to talk to the spouse about divorce without mutual accusations.
Sometimes, spouses can’t cope without professional help. They can visit psychologists, therapists, coaches, and other experts for advice and therapy.
So before asking yourself, “How to get my husband to leave me?” consider the questions below. Answering them will be the first step towards defining the problem and understanding whether divorce is what you really want.
If you answered “no,” that’s a wake-up call!
It’s not only about communication but about interaction in general. If spouses are dismissive, don’t compromise, don’t involve each other in making important decisions, or don’t recognize personal boundaries, it indicates their relationship lacks respect.
In such marriages, spouses turn away from each other and build an emotional wall. They allow negative thoughts and feelings to prevail over positive ones.
If your answer is “yes,” you and your spouse should think about what causes your fights.
Constant quarreling can signal fatigue in a relationship. It happens sometimes. However, it’s not a reason to relax and continue living, thinking that everything will somehow pass by itself.
It works both ways. Conflicts caused by mutual dissatisfaction can lead to relationship fatigue. But they can also be a consequence of the accumulated fatigue from each other.
If your answer is “no,” it’s bad.
Sometimes, to avoid a difficult situation, partners become silent. They try to change the subject or simply leave the room. There can be several reasons for such behavior.
If it’s an attempt to calm down and save yourself from the emotional storm, it’s absolutely okay. It means that you or your spouse just need to take a break to understand yourself and your attitude to the situation. Later, returning to the discussion in a comfortable environment for everyone, your conversation may be more helpful.
However, if such pauses become too long or happen too often, the situation may be critical. In this case, so-called “neutrality” or unwillingness to resolve conflicts may indicate indifference.
If your answer is “no,” you should discuss your sex life with your partner.
A 2017 study, Declines in Sexual Frequency among American Adults, published in the Sexual Behavior Archive, found that the average adult currently has sex 54 times a year.
Of course, it doesn’t mean that if you and your spouse have sex less often, your relationship is heading towards divorce. However, the lack of regular sex can lead to losing emotional connection and some other problems on a deeper level. It increases the feeling of isolation and loneliness.
“My ideal is to have a couple talk frankly about how much they’d like to be intimate, and negotiate how and when they could make that happen,” says couples psychotherapist and certified sex therapist Sari Cooper. The number you come up with in a discussion with your spouse is the right number for you.”
The answers to this question may vary.
If a couple tries therapy with a licensed marriage therapist, but it doesn’t solve their family problems, they may search for another expert. However, it only works if spouses really want to save their family.
If a family doesn’t receive therapy because one of the spouses does not want it, the situation is critical. A relationship can’t be saved if one of the spouses does not see the point in it.
If you understand that divorce is the only way out in your situation, you should talk to your husband.
Here we face the question of how to make your husband leave you and the incorrectness of such an approach. If you force someone to make a decision for you, you, in a sense, shift your responsibility to that person.
If you want to divorce your husband, it should be your decision and your responsibility. There’s no place for manipulation in such matters.
Instead of thinking about how to get your husband to leave you, focus on how to convince your husband to divorce.
You should tell him the relationship doesn’t work for you anymore and voice the decision you’ve made. If it’s a decision to get divorced, it should be as balanced as possible. You need to make it clear that it’s final, and you won’t change your mind.
However, don’t forget that your husband also has feelings, and your task is not to hurt him, especially if you know the news will shock him.
A spouse announcing their decision to file for divorce should consider the possible reaction of the other party and avoid causing intense emotions.
You know your husband as no one else does. You know his habits, his behavior, any tendency to aggression. Consider all of this when preparing for the conversation.
Think about possible reactions based on his temperament, also called a person’s personality type. There are 4 of them, and each reacts differently to a stressful situation like a conversation about divorce:
Try to consider all possible factors. In any situation, you need to be calm and take care of your personal safety.
If you feel your husband’s reaction may be unpredictable or aggressive, or you expect emotional escalation, it’s better to talk in a public place (cafes, parks, etc.) or even in the presence of another person—for example, a close family member you trust or a family therapist practicing marriage counseling.
If, after talking to your husband, you understand that he doesn’t want to divorce you, you don’t have to give up. If one side wants to end the relationship, the other can’t stop them. In this case, divorce is inevitable.
The only question is how complicated the divorce process will be. Typically, when one of the spouses doesn’t agree to end the relationship and can’t resolve issues peacefully, it can lead to enormous stress, lengthy litigation, and high financial costs as you’ll have to pay for a divorce attorney.
However, even if your reluctant husband disagrees at first, you can still get the result you want if you work through his objections. Below are the most popular objections and possible scenarios to address them.
It’s the most common objection among those men for whom divorce news came as a shock. Even if your husband knew there were some problems between you two, unlike you, he hasn’t fully contemplated the future of your relationship.
However, when the marriage reaches the point of no return, and one of the spouses is absolutely sure of their desire to end it, time won’t change anything. That’s the idea you need to convey to your spouse.
Be sensitive but firm so as not to give your husband the false hope of a reunion. You can tell him that even if he can’t change your decision, he can still influence the divorce process. Explain that you need his help to proceed civilly and peacefully.
If you have children, tell your husband that you actively support his desire to participate in their lives.
Sometimes husbands don’t want to get divorced for practical reasons. They may find it cheaper to stay together.
On the one hand, it is true. It’s more expensive to support two families than one. But on the other one, it all depends on which way the couple decides to go.
Toxic divorces involving divorce lawyers can cost tens of thousands of dollars. Unfortunately, in this case, your spouse’s fear of high expenses can become a reality.
Explain to your reluctant spouse that his resistance to divorce will put everyone, including him, in precisely the financial hole he is so afraid of falling into. A collaborative divorce will be much cheaper.
Besides, if he doesn’t want to divorce you because it’s expensive to hire divorce attorneys and not because he has feelings for you and wants to be with you, divorce is perhaps the right decision.
Sometimes spouses don’t want to get divorced because they believe that children should grow up in a two-parent family, no matter what. They believe divorce is very bad for kids.
However, children suffer more because of the conflicts between their parents. Rosalind Sedacca, a founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents and Divorce & Parenting Mentor, confirms it.
She says, “That’s a really important question and basically my answer is no, a couple shouldn’t continue staying married for the kids. And that’s based on several studies on divorce and its effect on children that have shown that conflict is the source of most damage to children emotionally and psychologically.”
Of course, divorce is stressful for a child. Still, if parents cope with their breakup without unnecessary quarrels and focus on their children’s well-being, the negative consequences can be avoided.
It isn’t worth keeping a family together for a child’s sake if there are many conflicts and lots of aggression. It doesn’t make sense because unhealthy relationships within the family will make them suffer more.
Thus, explain to your reluctant spouse that children need happy parents, not necessarily married ones. And if he truly loves them, you should work together to make the divorce process as smooth and conflict-free as possible.
If your arguments to his objections didn’t work and you can’t persuade your husband to sign divorce papers, here are a few more tips to consider.
Perhaps your husband just needs more time to analyze the situation and reflect on what he heard. Remember, you have already accepted the idea of your marriage ending, but it’s still uncharted territory for him, and he needs an initial adjustment period. In such a situation, time may help.
However, don’t let your husband drag it out. Thinking about the divorce news for half a year is not okay. You have already made a decision and are ready to move on. You shouldn’t continue to live in a union that doesn’t bring you happiness just because your husband is still not ready.
Ideally, you should discuss how much time your husband needs to think things over and get back to talking about divorce once this period ends.
It’s likely that after thinking everything over and analyzing your arguments, your husband will agree to a divorce, and you will be able to go through the process peacefully, saving your nerves, money, and time.
Mediation is a way of settling disputes. Typically, couples hire a mediator, an independent person helping parties work out a mutually acceptable solution. However, mediation requires both sides to be willing to cooperate.
You should explain to your spouse that since your decision is final and you will file for divorce anyway, you want to do it peacefully and reach a consensus that would satisfy the interests of both parties and the children. Therefore, mediation can be the right option.
Moreover, mediation can be effective even if conflicts between the spouses escalate or there are communication issues.
If you are worried that you won’t be able to negotiate with your spouse effectively, a qualified mediator can smooth things over. This person can act as a conflict evaluator, active listener, impartial organizer of the process, generator of alternative proposals, etc.
When none of the above options works, and you are 100% sure you need a divorce, you should seek a lawyer’s advice. This specialist will assess the situation and suggest options for your case.
If your husband refuses to cooperate and resolve issues related to your divorce, the process may become contested. In this case, a lawyer can represent your interests in court.
There are also situations when the husband ignores the divorce proceedings altogether. In this case, the court may issue a divorce decree by default.
In any case, the divorce attorney will tell you about all possible options.
If you pressure your husband or try to manipulate him, you may get what you want, but the price can be too high. So it’s better to choose different tactics.
Knowing your husband’s possible reaction and arguments, you can choose the right words and convince him that divorce is the suitable option.
However, even if your husband doesn’t want to proceed, you still have the right to file for divorce. Although, if he refuses to cooperate and negotiate property division, spousal maintenance, child-related issues, etc., the process can get more complicated.
But, you will eventually get your divorce decree and be able to start a new life.
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