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Anna is a certified life transformation and relationship coach with an in-depth focus on positive psychology and transactional analysis. Using her 3+ years of experience, she helps her clients understand the essence of the problem, build self-esteem, establish healthy relationships, find harmony, and manifest their dreams into reality.
No marriage is immune from crises. When faced with problems, some couples split up while others overcome marriage issues and stay together.
A breakup can start with separation and end in divorce. But it is not always the case. Sometimes married couples reunite after working on their marriage during the separation.
So, how to know if there is still hope to rekindle the romantic feelings? Is there a chance to save the relationship, or is it time to put an end to it and move on?
This article will help you understand positive signs during separation that indicate the relationship can be saved.
Some couples opt to live separately “to work on marriage issues.” Although it’s not always a mutual wish of both spouses, one of them has to obey the rules if they want to avoid divorce. Unfortunately, there is no 100% guarantee that they will get back together, but it’s worth trying.
“Can I save my marriage if we are separated?” is a natural question that concerns many people in this situation.
Michele Weiner Davis, marriage and family therapist, has the answer. She says that she has seen many couples in her practice who overcame their issues and fell back in love after months of separation.
There is a chance for reconciliation after separation, but only if spouses keep working on the marriage while separated. How can they achieve it? What to do during separation to get things back on track?
It depends on the reasons why the couple chose to live apart in the first place. If it was because of an affair, the unfaithful spouse should show remorse and regret, while the victim spouse should be willing to forgive. There is no single recipe for all couples.
All in all, reuniting will take a lot of effort, patience, and the ability to really hear the other partner.
It is a widespread belief that trial or legal separation is the first step to divorce or its substitute for couples who don’t want to get divorced.
But can a marriage survive a separation that lasts for a long time? What is the longest duration of living apart before you realize it’s too late to change anything?
Statistical research shows that the average length of separation before reconciliation is six to eight months. Thus, it is a safe period when the spouses can cool off and decide whether they want to give their marriage another chance or get a divorce.
Relationships are not the same throughout life. Sometimes, they worsen, and the spouses decide to live separately. It does not necessarily mean that everything is over. Sometimes they have to make an effort to save their union.
So, is there hope for marriage after separation? Well, there is a good chance for it, depending on the circumstances.
The following signs will tell you if you can reconcile with your spouse and give you an idea of how to work on marriage during separation to save it.
After the initial negative emotions have subsided, some married couples communicate at a more neutral level. Even if they only discuss children’s health and leisure topics, this is already something.
It is primarily a good sign if, during phone calls, spouses remain composed and can talk to each other without yelling.
In addition, possible signs of reconciliation after separation include continued respect for each other during interactions. Overall, civilized communication during separate living is a good starting point for improving communication and relationships in general.
Marriages don’t break up over insignificant things – there is always a reason, or a series of them, which the couple cannot overcome at the moment. Several studies show that the most common causes of a relationship breakdown are:
A few external factors may also play their part in ruining the marriage. They include stress at work, money issues, and the intervention of friends and family.
“Many couples continue to ruminate on past problems, especially those in which they were treated unfairly,” says Linda Mintle, Ph.D.
What the spouses can and should do to have a chance to reconcile eventually is to realize and confront the issue and then resolve it.
After breaking up, many couples unsubscribe from each other on social networks. The reasons for this may be different. For example, ex-partners want to start a new life without being reminded of the past.
The second reason is the unwillingness to share the details of their personal life with the ex.
But some couples stay friends on social media and text each other from time to time. So if one of them is actively leaving comments to the other person’s posts and images, it may be one of the positive signs during separation that they want to renew the relationship.
The longer the marriage, the more memories the couple shares. These can be both positive events and not very pleasant ones. Research from The Gottman’s Institute found that a couple must have five good interactions for each conflict in a successful and happy relationship.
It is called the Five-to-One Rule.
So, if more and more positive memories begin to pop up in the spouses’ heads frequently, it is a good sign. Maybe, the same things that got the couple together in the first place will help them reunite after separation.
If the spouses begin to miss each other after some time passes, there is still hope to save the relationship. Sometimes, an extended absence makes couples realize they want to get back together.
It is one of the benefits of trial separation. Couples sometimes use distance as a revival factor in their marriage. In this sense, living apart for some time could be beneficial for a union.
Staying apart allows couples to appreciate the positive sides of their relationship and miss each other’s company.
Conversely, people who can easily forget their romantic feelings towards their husband or wife and don’t feel lonely are unlikely to want to go back to the past and renew their marriage.
Most couples are so angry at each other when the separation takes place that they can’t see the big picture of why their relationships started coming apart at the seams. Thus, it is paramount to identify the reason for the anger and try to eliminate it.
It may come from unrealistic expectations in a relationship. For example, a wife decided that her husband should be responsible for taking out the trash, but he keeps forgetting to do this chore, so she gets angry. Or a husband expected his wife to find a job, and instead, she wants to be a housewife.
Often, marriages that survive separation are those where the couple can compromise on their wants and needs and make their married life more or less comfortable for both of them.
During separation, one of the essential positive signs that the relationship has not yet lost its potential is the desire to support and help each other when needed.
If one partner turns for advice to the other and still considers them their best friend, the spouses have an excellent chance to get back together.
But if one of the partners has been living on their own for a long time and didn’t even once ask for help, it probably would be challenging to save this marriage.
Another tell-tale sign your wife or husband wants to reconcile is their interest in your current life and jealousy if you’re dating someone else. In addition, frequent questions about a former partner’s love life may indicate that the person would not mind starting over after separation.
Most often, jealousy occurs when a person believes that someone or something can pose a threat to a valued relationship, writes Clifford N. Lazarus, Ph.D. for Psychology Today.
So, if an ex-partner shows at least some signs of jealousy, it could mean that they want to renew their marriage.
Many couples need some time after breaking up to cool off. As a result, some of them stop interacting altogether, which is normal.
But if there are kids in the marriage, the spouses will have to meet for the sake of the children’s well-being, such as deciding some child-related issues or spending time together. Sometimes, such forced communication turns from responsibility into an enjoyable event.
So, if spouses get together more and more often during separation, it’s a good sign. They might be on the way to rekindling their feelings and eventually reconciling.
If the ex-partner has changed in ways that may impress their other half, they are most likely determined to resume the relationship.
The most common examples are:
Let’s not forget that these and many other changes may not be connected with the ex’s desire to get back together. Only if they are accompanied with attention and constant presence in the other spouse’s life will it mean something.
So, if a partner guilty of unworthy behavior has changed and became a better man or woman, and they are constantly letting the other person know about it, it means they probably want to save the marriage during separation.
The greater the changes, the more the separated wife or husband’s desire to restore the relationship.
Another sure sign that one of the spouses wants to rekindle the relationship is communication for no particular reason.
For example, a former partner will ask for an opinion or advice in areas utterly unknown to their spouse. Many text messages on different topics are also a signal that the ex wants to make up.
Sometimes ex-partners are hesitant to make contact without the confidence that they will not be rejected. Maybe they are afraid that their partner didn’t forgive them or is seeing someone else. That’s when they start asking their mutual friends about their spouse’s life and whether they are dating someone. They clearly didn’t forget their ex-spouse and want to understand if it is possible to start the relationship anew.
Flirting is one of the signs your separated husband or wife wants to reconcile. It means that they still have feelings for you and make their intentions clear by giving you this type of attention. Here are some examples of flirting:
One of the signs your separated wife or husband wants to reconcile is the frequent communication with the in-laws. For example, they could suddenly become an exemplary son-in-law or daughter-in-law interested in the health of their spouse’s parents.
Or they start hinting to your family members in every possible way that they want you back.
Some spouses who have no idea how to have a healthy separation make many mistakes and only push their separated wife or husband further away. For this reason, some trial separations prove to be ineffective.
Below are the common mistakes everyone should avoid during separation.
If you realize that you’re falling into previous unhealthy communication patterns, maybe it’s time to change your behavior or perception of the situation. Remember one important thing - the only person you can control is you.
So you need to assess your actions, get relationship advice from a trusted source, and carefully choose the next steps if you want to save your marriage.
If you are wondering when to give up on separation and contemplate divorce, start by analyzing your feelings. Why do you want to get back together with your partner, or why do they want to return?
For example, fear of loneliness or dependence on another person is not the best incentive to stay in a relationship.
It would be nice if you were held together by the thought that you and your spouse have a lot in common and that you value and respect each other. Love, trust, shared goals are basic things that can keep a marriage intact and save it from divorce.
The next question is whether your separated relationship has at least a few marriage-saving features described above. It doesn’t mean that it needs to fit all the signs – two or three will suffice.
And the last piece of advice is to trust your instincts. If you feel that your marriage can be saved, then make it happen.
It is difficult to imagine a married couple that has never had conflicts and misunderstandings. Sometimes tricky situations require extraordinary actions and adaptation to changes.
Only by learning to hear the other partner and finding compromises can spouses maintain their married life fulfilling and happy and save it from divorce.
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